Narcissist online dating

“The odds are stacked against you, and you are probably a narcissist” my friend declared before explaining that bipolar and depression are linked to narcissism. I felt absolutely gutted. I had just written my first article about narcissism, hoping to educate and protect others from the emotional abuse that I had been through from childhood. And now here was somebody telling me that I was a narcissist too!

I spent several difficult days struggling with her accusation, worrying that she might be right. I found myself asking if, after all that I had been through, I had now become the thing that I most dreaded -a narcissist. To find out I decided to investigate some narcissistic behaviours and see how they apply to my conduct, and to hers.

Did she gaslight me?

Gaslighting refers to making people believe things about themselves that are not true. Was my friend deliberately trying to diminish my confidence? She has told me she recognises many narcissistic traits in herself. Perhaps she was projecting her fears onto me? Telling me that I was a narcissist when really she was concerned about identifying narcissistic traits in herself.

How accurate is my online dating profile?

If I were a narcissist, I would be concerned about the way that other people view me. A narcissist would want others to see them as incredibly successful, attractive and the person that they should look up to and listen to. What better way to view our most narcissistic projection of ourselves than our online dating profile?

A couple of years ago I decided to give online dating a try. I didn’t last long. It turned out that online dating was a really bad idea for someone who wasn’t very skilled in spotting narcissists. However, that’s another story. What I’d like to share with you now is what I wrote in my profile. Quite why my profile was still sitting on my iPad a couple of years later I have no idea, but I’m glad it was. What a great opportunity to check out whether I did come across as a raving narcissist!

A quick review showed I described myself as intelligent, but didn’t mention my master’s degree. I wrote about my love of sports and martial arts but didn’t mention winning national titles. Overall the profile showed me in a good light, which is a natural and healthy thing. When we go onto a dating website, or even when we build our business profile on LinkedIn, we want to sell ourselves the best way we can. We are unlikely to attract the partner we want, or get the job we are after, if we accentuate our negative points.

The next step was to identify the sort of things narcissists put in their profiles. Straightway a saying comes to mind: “If it looks too good to be true, it probably is.” Narcissists will hyper inflate their achievements. They don’t think twice about lying to make themselves stand out from the pack and build themselves up to be a prize catch. While I was diligently making sure my photographs were all less than six months old the narcissists were seeking out their best shots, not caring if they were five or even 10 years out of date.

Do I respond to criticism defensively?

While narcissists are great at dishing out negative feedback they do not cope at all well with receiving it. Feedback that indicates that they are not perfect will generally be fobbed off with indifference, argued against with aggression, or stopped in its tracks with an ice-cold glare.

So how was my reaction to my friend’s implications I was a narcissist? It wasn’t defensive nor aggressive, rather it was one of worry and concern. I started questioning myself. What if I am a narcissist? What if I am hurting people without realising it? What if I am manipulating people left right and centre?

Having fired numerous questions at myself I then started looking into my past behaviours to see if there was any evidence of narcissism. What about the time when I said something so somebody would do something? What about when I displayed a ‘what’s in it for me’ attitude? Had I been a very selfish person?

Are my decisions all selfish ones?

When presented with new opportunities, even something as simple as an invite to the movies, we base our answer on what we feel we will get out of the experience. We are basically asking ourselves “what’s in it for me? While we are looking at what’s in it for us we might be considering other people as well. Is there something in this for my children? For my friends? My loved one? Sometimes we say “yes” out of kindness or empathy for the person who asked us. This is very different from how a narcissist would respond.

When a narcissist asks, “what’s in it for me?” they literally just look at what’s in it for them. They do not think about the impact that their decision will have on others. As long as it helps them achieve their desires they are happy. So when faced with an opportunity they will say “no” without hesitation if they don’t see an immediate benefit to them.

Do I feel empathy?

Narcissists don’t feel empathy and they don’t question whether they have it. Concerned only about achieving their goals and maintaining their image they view emotions, such as kindness, as weaknesses which can be exploited in others.

I remember when I accused an ex-partner of bullying me. I had suspected I was being bullied for some time. Sensing the best place to address it was in the safety of my psychologist’s rooms, I invited him to accompany me there to discuss our relationship. At some point in the discussions I told him that I felt he was bullying me. I don’t remember much of what happened inside the room, but I vividly remember what happened when we got home.

After driving into the garage, he stood on the other side of the car and coldly said, “I have to leave you now. I can’t afford to be accused of bullying. It will ruin my reputation.” There was no acknowledgement of any hurt I was feeling, nor that we had children together, his only concern was for his reputation! By this point in the relationship I had no confidence in my ability to survive in the outside world on my own. I would do anything to stop him from leaving. Despite the bullying I also still believed that he was an amazing man and felt lucky he had chosen me as his partner.

A week later we found ourselves back at the psychologist’s rooms with me retracting everything. I explained to her how I had researched bullying on the Internet and had been most definitely mistaken. We simply had an argument and I had in no way had my partner been a bully. Unbeknown to me at the time of course the psychologists saw exactly what was happening. Although she did not say anything until I questioned her years later it was clear to her that I was being emotionally abused and bullied by a narcissistic partner.

While the normal person would worry that they may have hurt someone, the narcissist thinks purely about their reputation and how to protect themselves.

Do I project my weaknesses and fears onto others?

Unfortunately one of my ex-partners projected two of his narcissistic traits onto me. He used to say over and over that I was manipulative and a liar, and that nothing I said could be trusted. In reflecting whether I was a narcissist his comments all came flooding back and I started to wonder if he had a point. Despite hours of therapy addressing the fact that he was projecting I still found myself questioning if it was me who was in the wrong all along.

A place of calm

Over the last week I felt really sad at being accused of being a narcissist. I also felt vulnerable, and eventually, angry. Having lived with narcissistic criticism for so long, many of the stories had become self-beliefs around how I am not good enough, unable to make good decisions, rubbish at business, shouldn’t give advice, always upset people … well I’m sure you get the idea. It took innumerable counselling sessions with repeated explanations that these flawed people in my life were projecting their own fears and weaknesses onto me before I regained confidence in my abilities. This time though I had a breakthrough. Having found myself in a position of self-doubt I have come to a place of calm on my own.

A difficult conversation

So now I have determined to speak to my friend. Yes, she believes she has narcissistic traits developed through being abused by so many narcissists herself. And she recognises her narcissistic tendencies and is okay with them. And I’m okay with her because I know that, while she has some traits, she is too empathetic to actually be a full-blown narcissist. I’m okay so long as she doesn’t put me down or drag me back to a place that I don’t ever want to be in again: one of doubting myself.

So I will use the system I have devised for having challenging conversations to talk to my friend in a way that values her and her opinions, but also enables her to value me and my needs. I wonder if I should ask her for a glimpse of her online dating profile…

When left unaddressed negative or unhelpful thoughts, stress, and emotional dis-ease can lead to mental health issues and a compromised immune system. When you consciously change your mindset you will improve your mood, feel more in control of your life and lower your stress levels. That means you will feel healthier mentally as well as physically, you will sleep better and ultimately feel happier.

If you are finding it hard to move on from a narcissistic relationship why not book a FREE Press Pause To Calm and Clarify session given over the phone or Skype at:

https://calendly.com/fiona-tsp — It will show you available sessions in your time zone! If you can’t see a time that suits you email me and we will work something out: fiona@thesmartestpath.com.au

To link with me on LinkedIn go to:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/fionajspence/