Online dating when youre ugly

Foreword

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires,

let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook

that sings its melody to the night,

Kahlil Gibran

The Psychology of Online Dating

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation ... A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.

- Henry David Thoreau

I have had the opportunity to share The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly with hundreds of people who have come to cyberspace seeking some level of romantic connection. Of course, many will say they are simply trying out online dating because they are sooo busy. Some have been urged on by a friend, or they are just taking advantage of a free membership.

Others say that they are giving online dating one more chance. No doubt some turn to digital dating to complement their romantic options but it seems most have given up on bars, clubs, networking parties and helpful friends/relatives. Typically, the mature dater comes to online dating desperately seeking romantic fulfillment.

Images of the joys of love in full bloom are everywhere. The media routinely packages their products in connubial bliss. Everything from chocolate to cars is tied to romance and keeps us salivating for our ultimate connection. We're led to believe that if you're not in love or at least hot on its trail then you're a loser. Online daters want to be in the romantic winners circle.

Traditional support systems have lost their relevance. Certainly the church is no longer a serious guiding force for most couples. Our well-meaning relatives' idea of a good match makes us wonder if we really share the same DNA. So our options are limited. Digital dating gives newbies a sense of empowerment as they peruse the cast of thousands. Some women (with especially attractive pics) report receiving 3-4000 inquiries a month. Check back in a few months and their feelings change from feeling like Lady Du Jour to--how can there be so many cleverly disguised frogs in one place?

Fortunately, there are lots of resources to assist those who want to make better choices. The first step to understanding the pursuit of love and happiness is self-awareness. A good place to start your analysis is: myloveskills.com/.

Epstein Love Competencies Inventory (or ELCI, which is pronounced like the name "Elsie"). Designed by Dr. Robert Epstein, one of America's most distinguished psychologists, this is a comprehensive inventory of a wide range of skills that are important to the survival and success of long-term romantic relationships. The content of the test is based on scientific studies, and the test has been empirically validated with a sample of 800 people

Yes, YOU are the starting point on your path to connubial bliss. eHarmony claims that they will do all the work for you. . . all you have to do is sign up. It's so easy to fall in love . . . if you're 17. I highly doubt any reader of this guide would be. I think most of you will agree that quality connections are rarely low hanging fruit.

Once you understand your story, you are ready to fully participate in your love quest. It's surprising to find out how many dating site surfers have not formulated a realistic idea as to the kind of mate they are pursuing.

It's also surprising how many seekers of a so-called "serious relationship" have not formulated a realistic idea as to the kind of mate they hope to find. Their method--or lack of one; is like speed dating with a blindfold on. It's a good idea to write your romantic wish-list down. Take the time to reflect on the qualities you seek. Do Alpha types appeal to you? Or do you prefer someone who is more empathetic and compromising by nature? Is a six figure salary a must when you consider your taste and preferences? Well then. . . you must say no to the hot fitness instructor who still lives home with their mom. Of course, if you occasionally enjoy "limited engagements". . . by all means go for it.

Most relationship therapists say that opposites attract but similarities make relationships truly compatible/sustainable. This writer is astounded by the number of well-educated sophisticated people who will settle for someone who is their polar opposite. They consider the differences to be stimulating and a challenge. Perhaps if you're talking about Asian vs. Italian cuisine this is no big deal; but if your date would rather watch pro wrestling while you prefer 60 minutes, is a die-hard couch potato and you are all about health & fitness. . . you may want to consider these early warning signs of incompatibility.

Slooow is the correct speed for discovering an optimal relationship. You can prepare yourself for the challenges of the dating game by putting together a simple check list. The old adage "Half of knowing what you want, is knowing what you don't want." is wonderful advice when it comes to dating. So start that checklist: looks like a recycled hippie, calls their mom daily for romantic advice, dresses like Lil Wayne, curses like a sailor, calls you hun, babe and other sickening terms of endearment when they really don't know you, suggestive jokes are their idea of an engaging conversation, complains when the wind changes direction, they compare you to a former boyfriend/girlfriend with astounding regularity, ability to listen is NOT one of their social skills. You get the point--choosy lovers typically choose better.

While Sex in the City is cute and delightfully upbeat, this is not the reality for most mature singles. Their quest for a true connection is not full of interesting adventures that always end in a teachable moment. Their halting search is full of doubt, disappointments, and is-that-all-there-is moments. Ho-hum holidays, alone-again New Years, the deafening silence of an empty nest once animated by rowdy teens, and birthdays that now come quarterly all conspire to give them a very determined mindset.

The gurus will advise against appearing desperate or too available, but these daters tend to have a sense of urgency. Most mature daters are seeking a singular, soulful connection; not just another generic date.

Dating coaches encourage us to be prepared for a bumpy ride and not to have unrealistic expectations. Some say you should have zero expectations, as cyber dating is truly a huge box of chocolates. However, the glaring irony is the fact that boomers typically come to cyberspace as a last resort. In their minds, cyber dating is a desperate measure and they want results . . . NOW.

Being careful not to send a potential "soul mate" running for the hills, they attempt to play it cool. However, they have taken a serious look at the state of their personal life and know that a proactive approach is required. They have come to the realization that achieving goals, obtaining the accoutrements of success, and slaying all the dragons that life throws at them can never take the place of the "ultimate connection." For us grown-ups, true intimacy can be like the search for the Holy Grail. Everybody talks about it but few can put their hands on it. This quest is what drives the mature online dater. He/she has typically been in a satisfying, long-term relationship or marriage and clearly is not looking for light fare. The hope is that online dating will enable them to cast a wide enough net to make a quality catch.

If Stanford researchers are correct in suggesting that you have a 1 in 1,000 chance of accomplishing this mission, then this dating experience is bound to disappoint those with great expectations and little patience.