Dating a nerdy girl

To some, we are a thing of legend, to others, vile thots whose only goal is to capture the hearts of men and make a pretty penny selling our bath water. To most we are fake, don’t actually like nerdy things, and are clearly trying to bid for male attention. However, we do exist, many of us are attractive, and as a whole we are largely sought after while being hideously misrepresented.

Before I can tell you where to find us or how to date us, we must first establish WHY you want to date a geek girl. After speaking to various people who are searching for their player 2, I have found that it typically boils down to 3 things.

1. The want to be with someone that shares common interests. (Unfortunately, because video games are still largely seen by the media and many parts of society as a waste of time, the pursuit of them or other geeky interests can sometimes be detrimental to romantic relationships. Which leads me to point 2…)
2. The belief that no one else will understand them.
3. Entitlement.

If you’re rocking 3 as your reason, please evaluate why you feel that you are entitled to someone’s time, attention, and love. Next.

If you’re answer is 2, I’m here to tell you that you are likely wrong. With enough positive communication, most romantic partners will understand you and respect your interests, even if they don’t share them.

If the answer is 1, fair enough! Having common interests can be a wonderful thing in a relationship! They shouldn’t be the be all and end all, but they certainly contribute to feelings of closeness, and open up a world of activities that can be enjoyed by both parties.

So, with that in mind, onto my next point…

Wherever nerdy things are. No seriously, it’s that easy.

Comic book stores, conventions, DnD groups, you name it and we are likely there. Got a cool nerd store that runs a weekly TTRPG night? Great place to start. You know another great place to start? Approaching the girls that frequent these places like people with similar interests regardless of their genitals. Strike up the kind of conversation you’d have with a fellow nerd boy, and enjoy a chat about things you value.

If physical locations aren’t your vibe, the more introverted of us can be easily spotted online. We play the same games you do, contribute to the same Discords, and frequent the same forums to leave bug reports or feedback on the predominant meta of competitive online games.

Like, don’t be weird about it, but if you talk to someone in one of these online spaces for a while, you can always reach out via DM and become friends. And from there, who knows!

But it’s not all sunshine, roses, and Borderlands 3…

Now I’m going to tell you something you probably don’t want to hear. Geek girls don’t need to date geek guys. In fact, I know many a geek girl that has ended up with a man that has wildly different interests. While she stays at home inking comics or playing Dragon Age, he might be found watching footy or enjoying beers with his mates. In no way have these girls ever been put off by having different interests than their partners, largely due to the fact that they have found other things about the relationship to value more highly than a shared love of all things nerdy.

I have even heard many a geek girl say that she is hesitant to date geek guys, because of the way they have been treated by them in the past. This is especially true of my female friends that cosplay! They have had their nerd cred challenged, been told that they are dressing up as certain characters purely for male attention, never-mind the fact that there are MUCH easier ways to get validation from men that don’t include participating in an exceedingly expensive hobby.

Another unfortunate truth is that not all women are straight, even the ones that like all things nerdy… Especially the ones that like all things nerdy. And no, before you ask, you can’t “convert” her. Sometimes a geek girl just wants to wear a cute costume and make out with other cute geek girls. You’re best off letting her enjoy some sweet kisses with her pretty girlfriend and finding someone else to pursue.

It seems, at least to me, that there a lot more geek boys in want of a geek girl, than vice versa. Unfortunately, this means there is more competition in the dating pool, and that a lot of geek girls are likely to already be in serious relationships.

Okay, so you’ve found one of us, and we like you back. Now what?

Have fun, enjoy yourself, and revel in your common interests! But there are a few things I want you to remember. The ones that sit under your relationship next to an asterisk.*

*We aren’t perfect. Aren’t the manic pixie dream girl you were taught to deserve while growing up on a steady diet of comic books and anime. Putting us on pedestals because we enjoy playing video games or being Dungeon Masters doesn’t make us perfect, unflawed or unattainable.

There’s nothing glamorous about dating a cosplayer when she’s been trolled on 4chan for the third time that month and has taken to throwing up her meals again. Watching her obsession with her measurements rise to new heights as she counts her ribs and runs that tape measure around her bust, waist and hips again and again, morning and night, counting the inches she has left to lose until the people insulting her online finally relent or she makes herself too sick to care anymore.

We aren’t untouchable, except when we are. There might be nights spent laying next to her when she refuses your touch because her inbox is full of graphic rape threats and the thought of your hands on her makes her want to disappear.

We have thoughts, feelings and boundaries like any other woman. Any other person. You might think it’s cool that she loves video games so much that she decided to pursue a career making them, and yeah, it is cool. It’s cool up until you see her burn out, work so hard she runs herself into the ground and still doesn’t believe she’s good enough to make it. You forced to watch as she cuts her sleep down to four hours a night and live off energy drinks, caffeine and sleeping pills because she’s been doing this for so long she doesn’t know how to stop. And sure, you can try to tell her to slow down and prioritise her health, but you may also have to live with the consequences of her leaving you. Because her future making art is more important than one with you in it. Her choice to do this more important than her choice to be with you.

We aren’t beautiful ideas to be pursued and then mistreated when you realise that we are only human. Just like anyone else you’ve dated. Just like you.

There is no secret. There is no magic. There are just women that exist with the same interests as you, some with warm smiles and delicate hands, others with tragic pasts like those you’d find in an origin story. Treat them with the same respect that you would extend to anyone else, that you’d expect another to extend to you.

We are not special because we like nerdy things. And guess what?

Neither are you.