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Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.

My husband has always been really into seeing me with other people, and though I’ve never really understood, I entertain it because I love him and want him fulfilled. However, I would really like to understand so I feel a little more comfortable with the situation! Can you help me?—A Married Man’s Kinks

Of course, but your husband would probably be a better source for that information! Have you asked him about it?

I can speak about the concept, generally, however. Seeing and being turned on by one’s partner having sex with other people is more broadly known as cuckoldry (among straight, “monogamous” types). It can also be called compersion (among poly types).

Compersion is when you witness someone else’s joy and it makes you feel joyful yourself. (A fun experiment that proves this is to gather a few friends and start fake laughing. Your fake guffaws will turn into real laughter in a matter of seconds! Because joy is really contagious, like the greeting cards say.) Compersion is the opposite of jealousy. Cuckoldry is when you witness someone else’s joy and it makes you feel bad (humiliated, degraded), and then good (degradation can be hot!).

If your husband is into seeing you with other people because it makes him feel bad-then-good, he’s probably a cuck. The reason this is enjoyable is because it’s humiliating. Cuckoldry takes our deep shames and insecurities and then eroticizes them. Watching a partner with someone else, being present and orchestrating that humiliation themselves, is a way to take back power in a situation where they might otherwise feel powerless. It’s mental masochism.

Whereas some people like physical pain (floggers and canes and whips and good ol’ spanking or slapping) others like mental pain (wanting to be called a slut, for instance). Psychological suffering can be immensely powerful. Desire starts in the mind, after all.

Another reason some people find cuckoldry erotic is the competition factor. Studies about “sperm competition” have shown that if a man thinks his wife may have cheated on him, the more he will want to have sex with her, the harder he will thrust, and the more he will ejaculate, to “get rid of” potential rivals’ semen. This more intense desire and bigger orgasms are evolutionary byproducts of cuckolding.

And then there is, of course, the psychological element of the forbidden. The more you are told you can’t have something, the more you will want it. Taboos are hot. Breaking taboos is even hotter. Wives are not supposed to have sex with men who aren’t their husbands. Husbands are not supposed to enjoy watching their wives have sex with other men.

This isn’t universal, by any means. One person’s forbidden desire is another person’s actual worst fear. But in your husband’s case, he’s turned a fear into a desire. And he’s doing so in a “safe” way. Because he’s there. He’s watching. You’re not cheating on him behind his back. He knows you love him and that you’re not leaving him for some other man.

Feel free to use this column as a guide when you talk to him, but don’t be shy in asking your husband about his fears and desires. And don’t be shy in offering your own. The space between vulnerability and fear is where the love happens.

Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below, or email redeyedating@gmail.com.