Men ageism dating

Would you filter J-Lo out of your online dating search?

If you haven’t heard the news about Tinder Plus, brace yourselves. The free dating app is going to be offering a new premium paid service. If you’re 18-29, you’re in luck! The service will cost a mere $9.99. But those of you about to celebrate the big 3-0? Well, you can kiss more of your hard-earned cash goodbye. You see, you’ll be paying $19.99 per month for the premium service.

That’s right. Tinder did some “research” and discovered that people over 29 were willing to pay more for the same service. (Because everyone under 30 is a “student” and broke apparently…)

But really, let’s be honest. This is a statement by Tinder about online dating. While we all know ageism exists – that people routinely rule out potential dates based on age – this move acknowledges that as people get older, they are more willing to pay for more opportunities. Except that those opportunities don’t really exist.

Plenty of Fish and OkCupid have done some online dating research, and found that women ages 21-25 are the most desirable online dates. But after age 30, a woman’s “value” significantly deteriorates – meaning she receives as much as 80% fewer messages and matches according to some studies. This means guys are filtering them out of their searches. So then – what will female daters over 30 actually be getting from the new Tinder Plus service? Not much.

This is the point where I should convince guys to date people their own age. But to be honest, I don’t want to try to convince guys to date women in their thirties, forties, whatever. I don’t want to make a “case” for all the amazing women out there who have made a life for themselves – who have fabulous careers, are amazing single moms, are leaders in their communities at 30+. In fact, I don’t want to talk about how these women would add so much more to the richness of any man’s life. I don’t want to talk about how they can take care of themselves and have a good handle on who they are, now that they are 32 instead of 22.

I’m not going to do this because there is no reasoning. I think individuals need to come to their own conclusions themselves – to figure out on their own why they are only dating young women or men.

(I won’t leave the women out of this. There are many women out there who will only date younger men, too. But they are in the minority. Let’s be truthful here. This is not only an ageist problem, it is a sexist problem.)

Let’s get to the heart of the matter. I think age discrimination in dating has less to do with making sure someone’s biological clock is not yet ticking. I think it has more to do with friends, family, peers. If you are a man in your forties who isn’t afraid to commit to a woman in her forties, than you are probably secure in yourself and not worried about what other people in your life will think. If you want kids, you are open to adopt or try IVF. In other words, you are grounded in who you are.

If you’re only considering dating women who are younger than 30, even if you’re 50, then it seems you have something to prove – either to yourself or to those around you. You need to feel younger yourself, or you are afraid of someone with life experience, or strong opinions, or even a paycheck larger than your own.

I’m not just pointing a finger at men. I’m upset about dating culture as a whole -specifically when it comes to online dating and age. I experienced the drop of interest in my profile when I turned 30. I found myself at one point lying about my age, just to test the results. (And yes, I did receive a ton more emails when I did this.)

It shouldn’t have to be this way. I think so many people are frustrated with online dating because they have this idea in their heads of what they want, but really – someone different would be a better match. Shouldn’t you first see who is out there before filtering your options?

All I’m saying is that we should keep our minds – and our online filters – open. Date someone over 30. See what kind of conversation you have, what kind of chemistry you have, how the person makes you feel. Most of the time, we find the right person in the package we least expect.

XO,

Kelly

About Kelly Seal

Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.